Feathering Finals
By: The Flo-Master General
Gretzky vs Crosby vs McJesus vs Bedaaaah sh*t, he broke his jaw vs the kid that was just born in Mooseknuckle, Saskatchewan. The G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time) debate perpetually rages throughout the time continuum of sports, comparing players from generation to generation. And so here, only a few days after Patrick Mahomes inched slightly closer to one Mr. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr. (who knew his name was that long), we are on the precipice of naming the inaugural Best in Flo Cup champion, to which, we must fire up the insanely idiotic G.O.A.T. debate. But we’re not going to talk about the G.O.A.T., instead, we’re going to compare the Feathering Finals finalist’s hair to those of…wait for it…goats! You got it! We scoured the inter-webs and picked goat breeds that we thought matched up best with our finalists. There has never been a more entertaining, thought-provoking, useless G.O.A.T. debate in the history of the world [insert mind exploding gif…you know the one]! So, again, sit back and waste a few minutes of your life reading about southern hockey players’ hair…and…goat breeds. Important daily tasks can wait.
Editor’s Note: While we’re comparing our finalists with goats, we’re not really comparing our finalists with goats. Don’t take this too seriously.
MEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 4 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 9, 2024.
#5 Tennessee D2 (Pete Bunch)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 5.8% (1,331 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 11.1% (2,699 out of 24,214 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 38.6% (13,340 out of 34,568 total votes)
Goat Breed: Anglo Nubian
Flo-Report: Daggum, Bunch! Bruh came in with a new profile pic and sharpened the proverbial horns, gaining almost 40-percent of the total vote in round-three. Horns, that’s what makes Bunch this tournament’s Anglo Nubian goat. A long-haired breed, the Anglo Nubian has a set of horns that if not “disbudded” properly, can become a dangerous weapon. Bunch’s horns - not to be confused with the horns oft-referred to on Spittin Chiclets - have grown in lockstep with his voting percentage of each round. Will that continue, or will FL Tech’s Taylor finally “disbudded” Bunch?
#6 Florida Tech (Ian Taylor)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 6.5% (1,502 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 22.9% (5,535 out of 24,214 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 30.6% (10,583 out of 34,568 total votes)
Goat Breed: Saanen
Flo-Report: We would’ve been impressed with FL Tech’s Taylor breaking the 10k vote mark but as stated previously, fellow finalists Bunch stole the show by toping 13k. As for the goat debate, we went with the reliable Saanen breed. With long hair and robust facial hair, this breed screams FL Tech! Similar to Taylor’s vote production, the Saanen is reliable, producing 3.8 liters of milk per day. To top Bunch in this final, he’ll have to dig deep and double or triple his milk production…uh…we mean vote production.
WOMEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 4 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 9, 2024.
#1 Tampa (Leah Klingel)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 9.7% (2,578 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 19.1% (6,094 out of 31,976 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 26.7% (4,230out of 15,869 total votes)
Goat Breed: Angora
Flo-Report: The Angora breed has long hair that can either lay flat or curl up into ringlets. We shouldn’t have to explain the connection here, but we will. Klingel’s curls are of high quality much like the Mohair production of the Angora which is used for elite-level blankets, garments, etc. As the number-one seed Klingel has produced quality votes from round-to-round but has run into a buzzsaw in UGA’s Hultberg. But there’s more to the Angora. The damn thing has some sweet horns! Can those horns help Klingel knock off another Dawg? Perhaps.
#7 Georgia (Hailey Hultberg)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 11.8% (3,136 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 12.7% (4,068 out of 31,976 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 38.0% (6,028 out of 15,869 total votes)
Goat Breed: Stiefelgeiss or Booted Goat
Flo-Report: Ok…we have a feeling Hultberg wears boots when she goes out on the town in Athens and, based on the sh*t-kicking she’s been doing in this tournament, we felt the Stiefelgeiss, or booted goat, was the most appropriate choice. These nimble goats are excellent climbers which perfectly describes Hultberg’s round-by-round climb to the top of FLO-MOUNTAIN!