The Frosted-tip Four
By: The Flo-Master General
It’s awards season!!! The Grammys, the Oscars, the Society of Camera Operators Awards…OHHHH, the excitement! And the best part of awards season…the superficial celebrity feuds! What does Will Smith’s five fingers say to Chris Rock’s face?! “SLAP”! So, in the spirit of ridiculously stupid public quarrels, we’ve created fictitious spats between our Best in Flo Cup contestants and random celebrities. The gossip will be juicy. The arguments will be salacious. And the backstabbing will satisfy every fiber of your reality-show-damaged minds! Sit back, grab ya a little Pink Whitney and a few Big Deal Brews 😉 and let’s review the Frosted-tip Four!
1st Editor’s Note: All feuds reported here are fake. If you actually think any of this happened, then…[insert “I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it” Michael Scott gif].
2nd Editor’s Note: The five fingers to the face-line above was based on a TV skit in the early 2000’s. If you can name 1) the show, 2) which character (not actor) did the slapping, and 3) which character received the slapping, we’ll send you a free crappy commemorative SICFLO HOCKEY hat! To enter a submission, go to https://www.sicflohockey.com/contact, fill out the form with “Face Slapping” as the subject, and answer the aforementioned 3 questions (your info will not be used for anything outside of this challenge). The first 25 respondents to answer all three questions correctly, will get a sweet lid to complement their flo!
MEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 3 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 9, 2024.
#1 MTSU (Zach Giblin)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 11.2% (2,562 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 15.3% (3,698 out of 24,214 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Jay Chandraekhar (Thorny from Super Troopers)
Flo-Report: Chandraekhar, famous for his role as Thorny in Super Troopers, is not happy and filed suit against MTSU’s Giblin for copyright infringement after Giblin was overheard offering 2-for-1 mustache-rides at local MTSU watering hole, Clean Jim’s. Court documents obtained by SICFLO HOCKEY show Chandraekhar is seeking compensatory damages for what he is calling, mustachioed-induced anguish, whereby he has been unable to grow a plus-one since Giblin unleashed his push broom on the world.
#5 Tennessee D2 (Pete Bunch)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 5.8% (1,331 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 11.1% (2,699 out of 24,214 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: All Artists who have performed Rocky Top
Flo-Report: If you combine Bunch’s first two round vote totals, you find he’s only pulled in 4,030 votes. While we accurately predicted the UT-bump via voting consolidation, his total votes only outpaced Giblin’s second-round voting by a mere 332. The bigger issue, he can’t rely on the consolidation vote this round. With the tempered showing in the tourney so far, all artists who have ever performed Rocky Top joined up in a We are the World-style collaborative effort to voice their displeasure over the lack of change from Bunch. But then…he changed! New profile pic submitted! GAME ON!!! Feud over…for now.
#6 Florida Tech (Ian Taylor)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 6.5% (1,502 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 22.9% (5,535 out of 24,214 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Yvon Barrette (Denis Lemieux from Slap Shot)
Flo-Report: FL Tech’s Taylor did the impossible. He increased his vote total by over 4,000 votes from the first to the second round, simultaneously smoking the rest of the men’s field by almost 1,900 votes. Unfortunately, success spawns haters, and Taylor’s gettin’ hated on. In a TMZ exclusive, Yvon Barrette - Denis Lemieux from Slap Shot - laid into Taylor for stealing his coiffure avec sangle (French for “hardo with strap”). In the interview, Barrette was quoted as saying, “Against the rules. You know, you’re stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains, you know!” We know.
#15 South Carolina (Tommy Lokken)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 7.2% (1,650 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 5.4% (1,317 out of 24,214 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Darius Rucker
Flo-Report: D-Ruck can’t stand it! The easy funny-loving pop-turned-country music star said Lokken’s measly 5.4% of round-two voting was the worst thing to come out of South Crackalacka since…well…Hootie and the Blowfish! Voters were not singing I Only Want to be With You to Lokken who actually received 333 less votes in round-two than round-one, even though he showed up with a completely different gameplan. He’s only averaging 1,483.5 votes per round and is up against a guy that just pulled in over 5,000 votes. Hold My Hand, Lokken, we think it’s Time.
Editor’s Note: We secretly love Hootie and the Blowfish…
WOMEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 3 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 9, 2024.
#1 Tampa (Leah Klingel)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 9.7% (2,578 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 19.1% (6,094 out of 31,976 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Sara McLachlan
Flo-Report: Sara McLachlan is not happy. In successive weeks, Tampa’s Klingel has viciously put down two Dawgs and drawn the ire of McLachlan. With her hit song Angel playing in the background - making us all cry - McLachlan pleaded with SICFLO HOCKEY and CHS leadership to pull Klingel from the tournament. “Celebrating her” McLachlan said, “is a blow to the Dawg community which has already suffered enough. I mean, they had to play in the Capital One Orange Bowl!” McLachlan is already staging a protest of the Best in Flo Cup finals should Klingel meet Top Dawg, Hultberg in the finals. [“You're in the arms of the angel…” plays softly in the background.]
#5 Tampa (Rachel Needleman)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 4.5% (1,209 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 5.7% (1,831 out of 31,976 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Ron DeSantis
Flo-Report: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis found himself in hot water after a Politico article quoted him as saying Needleman should follow his lead and concede defeat, officially nominating Klingel as Tampa’s finals representative. “Hey, Ronnie, beat it!” Needleman posted to her Myspace account which took everyone by surprise for one reason, no one knew Myspace still existed.
Editor’s Note: It does!!!
#3 Tampa (Annaka Gendron)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 8.7% (2,323 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 5.1% (1,645 out of 31,976 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Hester Prynne
Flo-Report: Ok, we know. Resident hoochie-momma Hester Prynne isn’t alive, or…real. Nevertheless, she’s pissed! As the woman who famously bore the Scarlet Letter, Prynne has waited for the moment when another woman would be publicly humiliated for flashing her “A”, finally removing some of the heat she’s endured since the mid-seventeenth century. But then Prynne found out Tampa’s Gendron flaunts her “A” as a symbol of her hard work, dedication, and leadership to Spartan-nation. In other words, Gendron’s “A” is celebrated not ridiculed. “F**k her!” Prynne exclaimed in a recent Vanity Fair interview. “I’ll shove my “A” right up her “A”, ya heard!” We hear ya Prynne…we hear ya.
#7 Georgia (Hailey Hultberg)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 11.8% (3,136 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 12.7% (4,068 out of 31,976 total votes)
Feuding Celebrity: Rachel McAdams
Flo-Report: Strawberry blondes hate each other. Fact. So, when Rachel McAdams saw the Dawgiest-Dawg of ‘em all, Hultberg, she immediately went into an X, formerly known as Twitter, tirade on how she is a cat person and hopes “This Dawg gets put to sleep!”, instantly prompting a social media- lashing from Sara McLachlin…which then set Klingel off. Before anyone realized it, two small feuds smashed into one large feud between Gendron, Klingel, McLachlin, and McAdams. It was like watching the Milky Way collide with Andromeda…f**king spectacular!
Editor’s Note: Again, it should be understood the Flo-Master General is a 40+ year old man and only really knows three hair colors: blonde, red, and dark. Thus, he doesn’t understand shades and is not exactly sure what strawberry blonde is. But since we’ve run with the strawberry blonde theme for two weeks now, we figured we might as well keep going.
