The Eton-crop Eight
By: The Flo-Master General
The first round of the Best in Flo Cup saw some upsets, barnburners, and blowouts - pun intended - as we whittled the field down to eight! With that, we at SICFLO HOCKEY know exactly what you’re thinking, what the heck is an eton-crop!? Glad you asked. Collins, a major publisher of educational, language and geographic content, defines the cut as, “a short mannish hairstyle worn by women in the 1920s.” While this does not describe any of the event’s participants, it is in fact the only haircut style we found that starts with an E, so…there you go.
For this week’s installment of Under the Flo, we’ll breakdown how each of the Eton-crop Eight made it past their first-round opponent and list a strength and weakness which will likely impact their quarterfinal matchup. So, come along with us on this edition of Under the Flo. We’ll laugh. We’ll cry. We’ll wonder why we’re wasting valuable time talking about college kids’ hair.
MEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 2 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 2, 2024.
#1 MTSU (Zach Giblin)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 11.2% (2,562 out of 22,936 total votes)
You know that part in the movie Step Brothers where the school bullies make Brennan lick white dogs**t? Well, that’s about what MTSU did to Lynn in the first round. Son of a biscuit! MTSU’s Giblin outpaced his opponent by 2,115 votes, making it, by far, the most lopsided matchup of the men’s first round, and further validating Giblin’s place at the top of the rankings.
Strength: Swagger. We ain’t steppin’ to it.
Weakness: Complacency. It’s a momentum killer.
#8 Florida State University (Billy Sorsby)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 7.3% (1,665 out of 22,936 total votes)
Unlike MTSU, FSU’s Sorsby found himself in a tighter contest with USF. The event’s resident enigma wrapped in a riddle - we still can’t figure out if he’s city or country - slipped into the quarters under the radar by about 400 votes. Nevertheless, he’ll have to get out the Gillette Fusion 5 to cut down Giblin and advance.
Strength: Mysteriousness. The intrigue is killing us! City or country…we have to know!
Weakness: Cap & Gown. Did you already graduate?!
#3 Florida Atlantic University (Myles Davidson)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 8.6% (1,982 out of 22,936 total votes)
FAU’s Davidson garnered the second highest voting percentage during his first-round matchup that saw FAU eliminate ‘Bama D3 by exactly 100 votes, the thinnest margin in the men’s bracket. Davidson will have to push his game even further as he faces Taylor and his strap-on in the second round (get your minds out the gutter, we’re talking cranial-flo here).
Strength: Smile. POW! Hit ‘em with those chiclets.
Weakness: Smile. Distracting from the flo?
#6 Florida Tech (Ian Taylor)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 6.5% (1,502 out of 22,936 total votes)
Taylor of FL Tech ranked third from the bottom in first round vote-getting percentage. Loosely translated into Spanish, Eso no es bueno. And, since he’s rolling with the same profile pic, he’ll have to put in the off-ice work to get the votes needed to advance. Our fake oddsmakers believe he needs at least 2,500 votes to make the semis.
Strength: Strap-on. USE IT!
Weakness: Smile. Davidson’s to be exact.
#4 Tampa D2 (Trace Cowart)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 7.7% (1,760 out of 22,936 total votes)
Tampa’s Cowart finished the first round with 1,760 votes - good for third among the quarterfinalists - and sent the Georgia Dawgs packing…OWOOOOOOOOOO! Tampa, FL is supposed to be sunny and 70 all week, so Cowart may want to skip his classes and work the beach crowd for votes. Editor’s Note: We at SICFLO HOCKEY do not condone skipping classes…unless, of course, there’s a sweet party at Lambda Epsilon Omega (for those counting, that’s two Will Ferrell references)!
Strength: The Beach. Even if Cowart gets eliminated, he’s still going to school near the beach. Winner.
Weakness: Consolidation. Reference Bunch’s strength.
#5 Tennessee D2 (Pete Bunch)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 5.8% (1,331 out of 22,936 total votes)
Second to last. That’s where Bunch finished amongst the Eton-crop Eight. At first glance, we thought about making fun of Tennessee D2 for their “just enough” showing, but then something popped out at us. In the first round, Bunch was going up against a fellow Volunteer. Much like the political circus that ensues every four years, it is important for an organization to trim down to one candidate, uniting the group and, most importantly, the vote. As the lone remaining Volunteer, Bunch should be able to capitalize on the entire UT vote.
Strength: Consolidation. If you don’t understand why this is Bunch’s strength, you completely skipped the preceding paragraph.
Weakness: Dissolution. Strengths become weaknesses if not harnessed properly.
#10 Kennesaw State University (Adrian Pape)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 5.8% (1,322 out of 22,936 total votes)
Message to KSU and Pape, get your salesmanship game going because the competitive hairdryer just got set to high! Drawing in the least number of votes of all second-round competitors, Pape faces an uphill battle against an opponent that adjusted his gameplan, which may spell the end for Pape in the tourney if he can’t garner the votes.
Strength: Traditional. What can we say? He’s got the traditional hockey hair flo going. Is that not enough?!
Weakness: Sameness. Lowest vote totals and, no change?! “It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for [him]”.
#15 South Carolina (Tommy Lokken)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 7.2% (1,650 out of 22,936 total votes)
Lokken, you sly SOB! Tournaments are not about who’s the best at the beginning, but rather who hits their stride at the end…just ask the 2022-23 Boston Bruins (f**k you Tkachuck, you and your stupid mouthpiece!!!). Circling back. South Carolina’s Lokken seems to understand this premise. Unlike the seven other quarterfinalists, Lokken made an adjustment and came in with a howitzer of a pic. Built for speed, Lokken is showing off his feathered masterpiece, equipped with a Carolina Car Lift hanging off the back. If that wasn’t enough, Lokken enhanced his performance with some PEP (Performance-Enhancing- Prop…aviators).
Strength: Strategery. Boy’s playing the game. Tip of the Mississippi mudflap to ‘im!
Weakness: Options. The early change may limit Lokken in future rounds, or does he have more options at his disposal?
WOMEN'S BRACKET ANALYSIS
Round 2 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, February 2, 2024.
#1 Tampa (Leah Klingel)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 9.7% (2,578 out of 26,661 total votes)
Coming in with the second most votes of round-one, top-seeded Klingel is one of three Tampa representatives to reach the second-round of the women’s bracket. But she better watch out! Her second-round opponent finished with just 100 less votes than Klingel in the opening round and is out for revenge! Georgia’s Dana Stott said at her post-game conference, “You mess with one Georgia Dawg, you mess with ALL Georgia Dawgs, OW…OW…OWOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Editor’s Note: We made this up and are pretty sure bulldogs don’t howl like wolves.
Strength: Dawg-catcher. One down, one to go. And, if Klingel and Hultberg continue on their collision course to the finals, Klingel will have to score a Dawg-hattrick to win the crown… OW…OW…OWOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Weakness: Rabies. Messin’ with that many dawgs will get you bit at least once. OW…OW…OWWWWWWWWWW, THAT HURTS!!!
#9 Georgia (Dana Stott)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 9.3% (2,478 out of 26,661 total votes)
The Battle for College Hockey South’s Sweetheart is over, and with 9.3% of the vote, Georgia’s Stott claimed the unofficial in-tourney title, but finds herself up against yet another Tampa Spartan in the second-round. Don’t sleep on this number-9 seed, however, she bites…OW…OW…Ok…Ok…that’s enough howling.
Strength: Adorbs! Rainbows and unicorns…rainbows and unicorns.
Weakness: Sparta! This is…
#2 Auburn (Bridget Farrell)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 6.6% (1,766 out of 26,661 total votes)
Auburn’s Farrell only mustered 1,766 votes in the first-round, good for fifth among the quarterfinalists. As the second seed, she has to be concerned especially given her Eton-crop Eight matchup against the buzzsaw that is Georgia’s Hultberg. Is Farrell at risk of ending up on the salon floor, or was she so confident in her first-round matchup that she simply conserved energy for the quarterfinals?
Strength: Anagen (the growth cycle of hair). Plenty of room for growth.
Weakness: Telogen (the rest cycle of hair). Resting will doom Farrell in the quarterfinals.
#7 Georgia (Hailey Hultberg)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 11.8% (3,136 out of 26,661 total votes)
S**t! That…just…happened. UGA’s Hultberg not only outpaced the women’s field, but she outpaced the entire men’s field as well! The only competitor - women’s and men’s - to eclipse the 3,000-vote mark, Hultberg took out a worthy adversary in USF who, in her own right, finished second in total votes. The women’s bracket has been put on notice from the seven-spot.
Strength: Voting. Hultberg could have very well voted for herself 3,136 times…but we doubt it.
Weakness: Ceiling. Has it already been reached, or can she go for 4,000 votes?
#3 Tampa (Annaka Gendron)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 8.7% (2,323 out of 26,661 total votes)
Surprise…surprise, the lone female showing her “A” advanced. Proving yet again, assistant captaincies still sell! Tampa’s Gendron found herself in an absolute barnburner during her first-round matchup, winning by just 115 votes. However, per our state-of-the-art-data-analysis-analytical-modeling-tool, Gendron should have a much easier time dispatching her second-round opponent, who finished the first-round with over 1,000 less votes than Gendron.
Strength: The “A”. Duh.
Weakness: Technology. Our state-of-the-art-data-analysis-analytical-modeling-tool is fake and cannot be trusted.
#11 Miami (Morgan Scola)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 4.7% (1,256 out of 26,661 total votes)
The Jacket survived! But not by much. In the Battle of Coral Gables, Miami’s Scola took out a fellow Hurricane and, in the end, was the only Miami rep to make it to the second-round. Regardless, pulling in 4.7% of the first-round vote was tied for second to last. If Scola hopes to move into the semis, she…and her jacket…will need to find more votes, or Miami’s time in the tourney will come to an end.
Strength: The Jacket. Maybe we were wrong.
Weakness: The Jacket. Maybe we were right.
#5 Tampa (Rachel Needleman)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 4.5% (1,209 out of 26,661 total votes)
Sweet baby Jesus, Tampa! Did you somehow get the whole team in the challenge?! Anywho, the Spartan’s Needleman not only finished with the worst voting percentage of the Tampa trio that made it to the second-round, but she also finished dead last amongst ALL quarterfinalists. Can you imagine the s**t-talkin’ going on in the Spartan locker room? Her 54-vote win was the slimmest of margins and won’t cut it in the second-round.
Strength: Tampa. Clearly Tampa is getting the votes.
Weakness: Tampa. Those voters are voting for other Tampa players.
#13 Auburn (Caitlin Bermingham)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 4.7% (1,261 out of 26,661 total votes)
Tracy Lawrence said it best, Paint Me a B[e]rmingham but, Bermingham of Auburn, gave us more of a paint-by-numbers than a Picasso in terms of vote-getting. With 1,261 votes, Bermingham squeaked into the quarters with the third-lowest vote total. The good news, she’s up against the aforementioned Needleman who had the lowest total votes.
Strength: Options. IF Bermingham gets into the semis of a hockey hair challenge without actually showing much of her hair, she’s got strategic options galore at her disposal moving forward. Imagine Bermingham rolling into the semis with a fem-mullet…that would turn this event on its head!
Weakness: Strength. Bermingham’s strength is predicated upon her advancement in the tournament. Therefore, with no changes from the first-round to the second, her strength is her weakness. Confused? So are we.
