The Shag-cut Sixteen
By: The Flo-Master General
On January 22, 2024, the first round of the Best in Flo Cup launched. Thanks to our Selection Committee - comprised of sports industry insiders - we’ve separated the split-ends from the healthy strands and have narrowed the field down to sixteen! For our first installment of Under the Flo, we reviewed each competitor’s head-sweater and assigned an appropriate southern - hair inspired - song title to match.
Round 1 voting ends at 11:59 PM on Friday, January 26, 2024.
#1 MTSU (Zach Giblin)
Song: Love My Hair - Mickey Guyton
Flo-Report: We’re probably looking at the Connor Bedard of the men’s field with MTSU’s entry. The length, feathering, and solid plus-1 on the upper lip rightly has Giblin in the driver’s seat of the men’s bracket. He’s clearly a man who loves his hair.
#16 Lynn (Townes Haley)
Song: I Didn't Fall in Love With Your Hair - Brett Kissel and Carolyn Dawn Johnson
Flo-Report: Bruh! C’mon! We’re talkin’ $5k on the line here. Haley’s coiffure has all of the makings of a solid mullet, streamlined front quarter panels, thick mudflap, and some volume up front. But it just falls short. Add some PEP (Performance-Enhancing-Product) for crying out loud! Anything. We didn’t fall in love with his hair because it could’ve been so much more.
#2 Florida Southern College (Brendan Wetherington)
Song: Long Haired Country Boy - The Charlie Daniels Band
Flo-Report: We’ve never played against Wetherington, but from his picture, we’re willing to bet he’s puttin’ on the foil! The long-haired country boy look is straight out of the movie Slapshot and allows Wetherington to make strategic changes each round if he so chooses.
#15 South Carolina (Tommy Lokken)
Song: Hair Salon - Megan Moroney
Flo-Report: We just have a feeling USC’s Lokken doesn’t go to Supercuts. Whether he’s a full-on hair salon-guy remains to be seen, but he‘s bringing some solid feathering to the matchup that could sway the female vote. Potential upset?!
#3 Florida Atlantic University (Myles Davidson)
Song: Pencil Thin Moustache - Jimmy Buffett
Flo-Report: We may be wrong on this, but we believe we see a thin plus-1 on Davidson’s upper lip. Regardless of the potential pencil-thin moustache, FAU finds itself comfortably slotted at the 3-slot. Davidson is clearly benefiting from the use of Performance-Enhancing-Product (PEP)…which is highly respected and encouraged.
#14 Alabama D3 (Morgan Brooks)
Song: Red Cadillac and a Black Moustache - Warren Smith
Flo-Report: The plus-1 is faint, but it’s there along with some chin-dow dressing. Brooks is coming in hot with the “Should I use my money to get a haircut or buy beer?” look. It’s a classic hockey style where almost all strands of hair are the same length creating a natural feathering ski slope off the back. Ain’t no shame in it. Vintage hockey flo. Bama red Cadillac and a black moustache…Roll Tide!
#4 Tampa D2 (Trace Cowart)
Song: Higher The Hair - Carly Burruss
Flo-Report: If MTSU’s Giblin is the Connor Bedard of the tourney, Tampa’s Cowart might just be its Adam Fantilli. The higher the hair, the higher the ceiling and Cowart’s mop is a natural gift from above. This is a dangerous 4-seed to watch…[insert Michael Jackson eating popcorn meme].
#13 Georgia (Dylan Spicer)
Song: I Dodged A Mullet - The Chatahoochies
Flo-Report: In this hit song, The Chatahoochies associate the story’s mulleteer with trouble. So, when we look at Spicer’s thick study neck protector, we can’t help but think he’s up to no good. Aside from the low-profile front quarter panels, this flo is by far the most archaic amongst the competition. If Tampa makes it past the first round, they’ll definitely be singing “I dodged a mullet!”
#5 Tennessee D2 (Pete Bunch)
Song: Flip My Hair - Jessie James Decker
Flo-Report: Not only are both UT teams pitted against one another, but they are in the always intriguing 5 v 12 matchup where, historically, upsets occur frequently. TN D2’s Bunch, however, is confident in his flo. You can tell. He’s clearly worked on his game using selective placement of his Performance-Enhancing-Product (PEP) in the front to hold up the wave while leaving the rest of the flo natural. Classic play. Bunch’s flip my hair affect may be accentuated by manufactured air and PEP, but ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!
#12 Tennessee D3 (Connor Hamell)
Song: Mama's A Hairdresser - Caitlin Cannon
Flo-Report: Tennessee D3’s Hamell couldn’t have been placed in a worse spot. Not only is he going up against a fellow Volunteer, but he’s wearing a similar orange jersey while striking the same pose as Tenn D2’s Bunch. Hamell has a solid coif of his own, letting the natural curls do their thang. Nevertheless, we’re willing to bet Hamell’s mama’s a hairdresser given the absence of a mudflap, and we just don’t see a 12 over 5 seed upset.
#6 Florida Tech (Ian Taylor)
Song: Don't Touch My Hair - Solange Knowles
Flo-Report: Thank God Taylor has that robust chinstrap, or he’d most-assuredly lose the feathered masterpiece atop his head! We also appreciate the contrast and connectivity of the free-flowing mop with the groomed facial growth. Don’t touch my hair…roger that!
#11 Alabama D1 (Max Lane)
Song: Big Hair - The Bellamy Brothers
Flo-Report: We have a feeling Max Lane hangs out with Jason Bourne and John Wick on the weekends. With that name, how could he not?! Anyways, vintage…hockey…big hair. Ladies, be careful running your hand through that lush forest, cuz it may just get lost in the underbrush!
#7 Eastern Kentucky University (Jake Cissna)
Song: The Haircut Song - Ray Stevens
Flo-Report: [In Marv Albert’s voice] YESSS! Cissna’s Kentucky Compromise literally checks all of the boxes: Use of PEP…CHECK. Party length exceeds business length by at least a 3-1 ratio…CHECK. Tight forward quarter panels…CHECK. Edge work…CHECK. We’re pretty dang sure the haircut song was inspired by EKU’s entry!
#10 Kennesaw State University (Adrian Pape)
Song: Shampoo - Izaak Opatz
Flo-Report: You don’t get Pape-like feathering without a disciplined shampoo and conditioner regiment. No PEP required. Just let the natural oils go to work and watch the flo take control! Owwww! Pape is also sporting the missing-link beard…but it works for him, and it works for us.
#8 Florida State University (Billy Sorsby)
Song: Longhaired Redneck - David Allan Coe
Flo-Report: Well, at least one FSU team was picked by a Selection Committee this year! OHHHHHHHHH…SNAP! Too soon? Moving on. We’re intrigued by FSU’s Sorsby. He gives off the impression of a longhaired redneck with the slightly unkept mullet and matching push broom, but we think it’s a farce. Is he a Miller High Life & Van Holten’s Hot Pickle kind of guy, or a Dom Pérignon & Kaluga Reserve Caviar kind of guy? We may never know.
#9 University of South Florida D3 (Trey Wanvig)
Song: Long Hair Don't Care - The Cadillac Three
Flo-Report: Wanvig or Danzig?! With those aviators and long hair, we don’t care. We just know USF is here to rock! Wanvig is rolling into the contest with some swagger and confidence. While we’re almost certain he’s unable to spout a stitch of facial hair, he doesn’t need it. He knows he’s got this.
#1 Tampa (Leah Klingel)
Song: Flowers In Your Hair - Derek Ryan
Flo-Report: Klingel grabbed the pole position for the women’s bracket and is the odds-on favorite to go wire-to-wire per our fake sports book report. Rolling with a similar theme throughout the women’s bracket, Klingel is rocking a center part shoulder-length cut. Standing in front of a net, we can’t tell if she’s a goalie or a sniper, but daggum those curls sure like to dangle!
#16 Georgia (Ashlyn Carroll)
Song: Redheads, Brunettes, and Blondes - Joel Wachbrit
Flo-Report: Carroll of Georgia is, as far as we can see, the only female competitor going with a shorter length in the front. It’s not exactly business in the front, but it’s the closest thing to it in the female bracket, so we’ll take it! With 15 other redheads, brunettes, and blondes ranked ahead of her, Carroll is looking to be this tournament’s Cinderella.
#2 Auburn (Bridget Farrell)
Song: Long Blonde Hair - Laura Bell Bundy
Flo-Report: Aerodynamically speaking, Farrell’s long blonde hair is about as useless as a hair in a biscuit. But the study of aerodynamics is best left for the good folks at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. In this forum, however, Farrell’s work is solid. She’s got some layering going on. She’s got some muti-coloring going on. She’s got feathering going on. She probably even has hair terminology stuff going on that a 40+ year old man doesn’t understand.
#15 Miami (Kathryn Stein)
Song: Brown Eyed Brunette Con - Colt Wheeler
Flo-Report: Aight. The big question is, is Miami’s Stein a brown eyed brunette con that’s gonna steal votes and complete an upset, or will she be overpowered by the two-seed? Stein’s flowing brunette locks fall perfectly over her face, allowing Stein to play a little game of peek-a-boo with the voter. Let’s see how it plays out.
#3 Tampa (Annaka Gendron)
Song: Southern Curls - Julie Williams
Flo-Report: Heyyyyyy, curl! Aight, lame joke aside, Gendron’s got southern curls…lots of ‘em. We believe the shoulder-length cut is a strategic play to show off her “A” (that stands for assistant captain, you pigs!). Looking at her pic, we also believe she prefers a toe-to-heel tape job…interesting.
#14 Georgia (Paige Oukes)
Song: Red Headed Stranger - Willie Nelson
Flo-Report: Oukes is a redhead. Fact. Aaaaaaaand, we’ve never met her. Also, a fact. So, technically speaking, she is a red headed stranger. Nonetheless, Oukes is rolling into the competition with a classic center-part-even-length-front-and-back-of-the-shoulder cut. It’ll be an uphill battle from the 14-spot, let’s see what she’s got.
#4 Auburn (Kimi Sellers)
Song: Redhead - Caylee Hammack and Reba McEntire
Flo-Report: Sellers is the only “hair down” entrant with an off-center part. Kudos. The world needs trendsetters and pioneers. A curly redhead, Sellers appears to be benefiting from the use of a Performance-Enhancing-Product which, again, is highly encouraged. She comes off as a good wholesome hardworking American, but we have a feeling she’ll give you the ole two-handed chop to the back of the legs if you cross her on the ice!
#13 Auburn (Caitlin Bermingham)
Song: I Brake For Brunettes - Rhett Atkins
Flo-Report: We’re willing to bet Rhett Atkin would brake for brunette, Bermingham. What can’t be seen in her voting profile pic that can been seen in the original submission, is a little saleswomanship…a little skin. Nothing crazy. Nothing inappropriate. Nothing momma and daddy would be upset about. Just a little “Hey, how’ya doin’?” Unfortunately for Bermingham, the full-body submission makes it hard to see the details of her hairdo which could cost her valuable votes.
#5 Tampa (Rachel Needleman)
Song: Curly Haired Baby - Detroit Cobras
Flo-Report: We’ve got a lot of curly hair in this tournament and Tamp’s Needleman is no exception. As mentioned in the men’s bracket, the 5-spot is always ripe for an upset from the 12-seed. This curly haired competitor is clearly using two forms of PEP; Performance-Enhancing-Product and Performance-Enhancing-Prop (sunglasses), neither of which are illegal.
#12 Miami (Kaila Griffin)
Song: You Comb Her Hair - George Jones
Flo-Report: Is Griffin’s hair not something straight out of a Pantene Pro V commercial?! Sweet baby Jesus, she must comb her hair constantly and be dedicated to a disciplined hair care regiment to get that type of sheen going. Tip of our Tennessee Top-hat to ya!
#6 Miami (Justina Holland)
Song: Hair Down - Kyle Clark
Flo-Report: Is it just us, or do a lot of College Hockey South female athletes have curly hair? Is the helmet or humidity the root cause? One of life’s great mysteries. Anyways, Miami’s Holland is a hair down kind of gal looking to destroy her own Miami teammate in this first round matchup. Holland was quoted as saying, “I’m gonna take Scola’s jacket and shove it up her a…!” Editor’s note: This quote was never actually said. As far as we know, Holland and Scola may very well be solid teammates.
#11 Miami (Morgan Scola)
Song: Jesse [Scola] With The Long Hair - Robert Earl Keen
Flo-Report: We have to ask one question. Do you really ever have to wear a winter jacket when you live in Miami?! Will Smith literally said, “Party in the city where the heat is on!” But we digress. Scola, with the long hair, is hitting us with the “This tournament is stupid and my teammates put me up to this” vibe. Like, whatev’s.
#7 Georgia (Hailey Hultberg)
Song: Strawberry Blonde - Ron Sexsmith
Flo-Report: Ok…Ok. Ron Sexsmith is a Canadian and doesn’t exactly fit into the southern music theme, although he, like almost every Canadian, lives in southern Canada, so…you know…he’s technically a southern singer. But, if you can come up with an American southern song title about strawberry blondes, feel free to call us out. We triple…dawg…dare ya! UGA’s Hultberg, as far as we understand the complexity of hair color, is the competition’s only strawberry blonde and appears very happy. We’re assuming this pic was taken before Uga X’s passing and send our condolences to the Georgia faithful.
#10 University of South Florida (June Waratachaya)
Song: Let Your Hair Down Baby - Hicksville Bombers
Flo-Report: Let’s address the elephant in the room with USF’s entry. We wholeheartedly disagree with the Selection Committee’s decision to put Waratachaya in the ten-spot. THIS..IS…100-PERCENT…WHAT…THE…TOURNAMENT…IS…ABOUT! Some crazy-ass haircut that, by all accounts, defies the known laws of physics. Alas, we are neither the judge nor jury. Waratachaya, let your hair down baby! We just want to see how long your hair actually is and, sorry for calling you baby. We at SICFLO HOCKEY make every attempt to not be chauvinist pigs, but the word was in the title of the song and we didn’t know if we should use it or not, or get permission first, or find a new song title altogether, but then the kids came in and asked for dinner and the deadline was rapidly approaching, and...
#8 Tampa (Ava Johnson)
Song: Pigtails and Ribbons - Sonny James
Flo-Report: We’re labeling the 8 v 9 matchup the Battle for College Hockey South’s Sweetheart. C’mon! Tampa’s Johnson looks like she doesn’t have a care in the world. She probably wakes up, aces all of her classes, gets a solid practice in at the rink, and then heads over to the beach to play hockey sauce with her besties! Son of a *****! What a life. Just to rub it in all our faces, we’re willing to bet she rocks pigtails and ribbons on occasion…just because she can.
#9 Georgia (Dana Stott)
Song: Just Put A Ribbon In Your Hair - Alan Jackson
Flo-Report: The other half of the Battle for College Hockey South’s Sweetheart is Georgia’s Stott. A hundred bucks says Stott leaves a trail of rainbows and unicorns strewn across the ice as she skates to and fro. Hey, Ms. Jackson…just put a ribbon in your hair and call it a day!
