The Cockernonnie Champion
By: The Flo-Master General
Ohhhh, what a glorious ride! Here we are, four grueling rounds later, crowning the champion of the inaugural Best in Flo Cup. We as the spectators get to see the polished product. The curls, the feathering, the glitz and glamor; it’s all on display. But what we don’t see, what gets lost in the games, is the hours upon hours of hard work and preparation put in by our participants behind the scenes. Powering through split-ends, bad dye jobs, and flat iron burns, each champion has a story behind their success. So, finally, after a month-long journey to immortality, we sat down with our champion in a one-on-one candid interview to find out who it really is, how it came to be…a CHAMPION!!! But - in true SICFLO fashion - there’s a twist. We don’t actually care about the person under the flo, we care about the flo…itself. And so, our interview was just that…an interview with the winning head sweater. So, as always, sit back and enjoy this final edition of Under the Flo…
1st Editor’s Note: While the Flo-Master General admittedly has a very poor understanding of…well…anything within the greater universe, we believe a conversation with hair is not within the realm of possibility and therefore, the reader should understand this is all completely made-up. In other words, don’t take this too seriously.
2nd Editor’s Note: According to the never-wrong Wikipedia, a Cockernonnie cut “was an old Scottish women’s hairstyle. It was a gathering up of the hair, after a fashion similar to the modern chignon, and sometimes called a ‘cock-up’.” We’ll stop right there.
MEN'S BRACKET RESULTS
#5 Tennessee D2 (Pete Bunch)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 5.8% (1,331 out of 22,936 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 11.1% (2,699 out of 24,214 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 38.6% (13,340 out of 34,568 total votes)
Feathering Finals Vote-Percentage: 62.3% (21,970 out of 35,272 total votes)
Daggum…Bunch! Almost 22k votes in one round! Boy seems destined for a solid career in marketing - something we at SICFLO HOCKEY know nothing about. Looking at Bunch’s round-by-round numbers, we could see it coming. And our fake-Vegas oddsmakers saw it as well, tabbing Bunch as the odds-on favorite to come away victorious at -325 (Note: We at SICFLO don’t gamble, so we don’t really know what that means). Anywho, in our interview with Bunch’s hair, we found out his beautifully manicured Tennessee Top-hat didn’t come easily. In fact, by the end of the interview, the Flo-Master General and was in tears as Bunch’s hair recounted the trials and tribulations of its ascension to the pinnacle of hairdom. So, without further ado…
Interview:
Flo-Master General (FMG): Unbelievable run my friend. Tell us something about yourself that is unknown.
Bunch’s Hair (BH): Thanks. So, most people don’t know this, but when Bunch was born, he was bald…I didn’t exist [eyes beginning to tear up]. It wasn’t until about a year later, that I started to emerge as very fine peach-fuzz [Flo-Master General hands Bunch’s hair a tissue].
FMG: Wow [Flo-Master General getting choked-up]. That sounds like a rough way to come into this life. What did the doctors say?
BH: They weren’t sure I would make it because my family has a long history of MPB.
FMG: MPB?
BH: Male-pattern baldness.
FMG: OMG [full on tears]!
BH: I know.
FMG: How did you foster your development against those odds?
BH: Started with Pert-Plus. It wasn’t the best, but all Bunch could afford in those early years since it was a shampoo and conditioner in one. We then moved to Head and Shoulders later on because I suffered from…DANDRUFF!!! [Bunch’s hair and the Flo-Master General embrace in a warm hug as both sob uncontrollably].
FMG: This is such an unbelievable story!
BH: I know! But once we got the dandruff under control, things began to happen for me. I noticed a slight feathering-effect as I got longer. And Bunch got a decent job, so he switched me to Pantene Pro V. That brought the shimmer and shine you see today. That’s what got me to the top of the mountain…Best in Flo Cup Champion!
FMG: I wnkfklf j fhfjdshkj ksj kjojw…[The Flo-Master General speaks inaudibly as a waterfall of tears and mucus stream from every orifice on his face].
BH: What did you say?!
FMG: Give…give me a second.
BH: Mmmmmmmm…k.
FMG: That was an amazing story. One that rivals the 1980 Olympic team. From rags-to-riches. Thank you for sharing.
BH: Glad you enjoyed it…because…I made it all up! Ya got punk’d!!!
FLG: [Curled up in a ball on the floor…whaling and sobbing…while Bunch’s hair exits the room laughing at the General’s expense].
WOMEN'S BRACKET RESULTS
#1 Tampa (Leah Klingel)
Shag-cut Sixteen Vote-Percentage: 9.7% (2,578 out of 26,661 total votes)
Eton-crop Eight Vote-Percentage: 19.1% (6,094 out of 31,976 total votes)
Frosted-tip Four Vote-Percentage: 26.7% (4,230out of 15,869 total votes)
Feathering Finals Vote-Percentage: 50.7% (7097 out of 13,990 total votes)
She did it! Wire-to-wire. Start-to-finish. Eff you, Cinderella! Tampa’s Klingel started number one, and finished number one. To the ladies of College Hockey South, the bar has been set! Notice given! In this rare interview, Klingel’s hair showcases a fire that borders on complete a-hole, a stark contrast to, what we believe to be, a very well-rounded and respectful Klingel. Throughout the interview, Klingel’s hair blasts Sara McLachlin, Dawgs, and even the Flo-Master General. Feelings were hurt, but Klingel’s hair don’t care. It’s a champion.
Interview:
Flo-Master General (FMG): So, before we get started, do you know how hard it was to not make a Michael Vick joke regarding how many Dawgs you took out during this tournament?!
Klingel’s Hair (KH): Well, I heard you’re a little punk, sooooo, seems par for the course.
FMG: Sweet baby, Jesus. Coming in off the top rope there, eh?
KH: Eh?! Stop pretending you’re Canadian. We all know you played hockey in the South.
FMG: Moving on. Sara McLac…
KH: Don’t…even. I ain’t got nothin’ nice to say about that Dawg-lovin’, Wings of an Angel-singin’, biznatch…
FMG: Ohhhh…k. Um…why don’t you tell us about how you became a champion?
KH: Because I’m awesome. Why don’t you tell us why you’re a grown man putting on an event centered around…southern college hockey players’ hair?!
FMG: Um…well…I like hockey and I…um…live in the South [voice beginning to quiver].
KH: OMG. You’re gonna cry, aren’t you?!
FMG: No! My bangs poked my eye, and it started watering.
KH: You’re rocking a high-n-tight…you don’t even have bangs!
FMG: SHUT UP! Just, shut up! You know, Klingel commented on one of my Insta-posts. And…it was a very very nice comment. What do you have to say to that?!
KH: Interview…over. Just like all the Georgia Dawgs, I’m putting this lame interview to sleep, son!
FMG: Well, thanks for sitting down wi…
KH: Over.
FMG: K. Bye [talking to an empty chair].